The glare of the desk lamp glows in the dark like a spotlight. It casts long shadows but doesn’t dispel the dark. It makes some of it scurry but it doesn’t overcome the dark. As soon as the light goes off the darkness races back to overcome the areas that were once claimed by the light. In many ways that is like my life.
I sit here with the glare of the light that is like a Cyclops in the darkened room. It reminds me of my aloneness. The absence of people while surrounded by things. Possessions are not the sum total of my life but they threaten to rush in and take over the place where people who are the light of life.
I spend so much time alone that the loneliness is like a constant companion. Like a ever present darkness. The scary monster of defeat and gloom that stalks me constantly until I feel I cannot go on. It is like I am drowning in a vast ocean of emptiness. It is the loneliness that is the hardest part to deal with, it is never defeated and rushes back in like the darkness after the light.
I don’t want to give into it. I feel guilty for feeling it. The lonely starts as I drive in my driveway and attacks as I open my front door and there is a feeling of dread when I close that door.
As I sit and watch yet another hour of boring television I grow into that sad old single bloke that lives down the street. I Facebook to try and feel like I am plugged into some kind of community, to talk to somebody, to feel. Nothing works! The lonely is always there. It is so palpable. I can’t find the cure nor do I know the answer.
The Cyclops of loneliness is a powerful enemy.