What’s it worth?

What is a life worth? Can it be summed up in a monetary value? Is that all we come down to some dollar and cent amount. I haven’t climbed to be the top of any profession or found a cure for any illness. I haven’t been inspiring nor could I ever say that I have inspired anyone. To be honest I stumble through this life like a fool punching at shadows on a dark night.

When I look at my life I ain’t worth much at all. If I had to put a monetary value on my life it wouldn’t be enough to buy a maccas meal, let alone go to a fancy restaurant. Should look for my worth? Is it so simple?

I once had dreams of doing great things. When I was a kid I remember not being able to make up my mind of what I wanted to do as a job. Would I be a police officer or an ambulance officer? I ended up being neither. I wanted to change the world. After having seen all the violence that was directed towards women, when I was growing up, I often thought wouldn’t it be great if I could do something to protect women. Again, I did nothing. A lot of people have goals while I have pipe dreams.

So after all my dreams what happened? The world keeps spinning and people keep hurting. Nothing’s changed and no-one’s been saved. I will never rally an army or say the words people will remember and quote. I don’t inspire. I don’t move mountains. I don’t help people to be better than they thought they could be.

Do you ever, like me, ask the question: So why am I here? It is a question that plagues me. It is like finding out the answer will unlock a door to understanding and happiness. I don’t know why it is even important but to me it is. I am getting to old to do anything great or noble or passionate.

I have no legacy to leave the world. I have no children to carry on the family name. I have no family. I never married. Love alluded me. Oh I do still harbour a hidden desire that I will one day be loved and that I can love but meh it probably won’t happen but it doesn’t stop it being a desire.

Life has been more of a passing parade than a party that I had an invitation to.  The parade has moved on. The crowds have all gone. All that’s left is the rubbish to pick-up. One day I will be swept out with the rest of the trash. Gone. Forgotten. Without trace.

Death doesn’t sadden me. In fact it is something I long for. What saddens me right at this moment is that I have lived 54 years and some months, weeks, days and hours and have nothing to show for it. I don’t mean money since money has never interested me nor has it been a driving factor in my life. Sure I need it to keep a roof over my head to get food to eat. My driving factor was the one that scared me the most, people. I always wanted to help people. People are the most amazing, complex, infuriating, maddening, loving, beautiful thing God made. To see someone hurt, physically or emotionally and to do nothing is a crime. To live to accumulate wealth but not help others is arrogance.

To those I could have helped but didn’t, I am sorry.

To those I did try to help but got things wrong, I am sorry.

To those who were also beaten by bullies and I didn’t come to your aid because of my own fear, I am sorry.

To those I went to school with who also had parent’s torture you and I didn’t ask you to stay at my place, I am sorry.

To those who were also lied and gossiped about and I didn’t stop it, I am sorry.

To those who needed me and I wasn’t there, I am sorry.

I will try and get it right the next time. I know that doesn’t help you or what happened in your past but I am sorry.

The problem is that life is a one way road. We cannot go back. We can not undo. We cannot change what has happened. I wish I could go back and help stopped what hurt you. Stop the bruising of your heart and soul. To put a band-aid on the boo boo of emotional scarring. I am a nothing and a nobody but I wish I could have supported you when you needed it most. Your life was and is worth so much more than I was able to give.

I hope your heart has healed and that life has been good.

4 comments

  1. gillian · February 28, 2016

    Hit nail on head so can
    Relate

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Johnny Bones · February 28, 2016

    ask Buddy what you’re worth….

    Like

  3. bunnyhopscotch · February 28, 2016

    Raw, gritty and honest. Another great piece. You have encouraged and inspired someone today. Thank you!

    Like

  4. Annette Kiem · February 29, 2016

    My question is ‘What’s the point?’…. not so much ‘What am I worth? so I do get what you are saying. But like you said “People are the most amazing, complex, infuriating, maddening, loving, beautiful thing God made.” You are one of those beautiful creations that God made, so I want to thank you for your friendship and your support to both me and Sally. I value your friendship, the time we spend having coffee, your texts and your inspiring words. You have added value to my life and I hope I have done the same for you.

    Like

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