What is a life worth? Can it be summed up in a monetary value? Is that all we come down to some dollar and cent amount. I haven’t climbed to be the top of any profession or found a cure for any illness. I haven’t been inspiring nor could I ever say that I have inspired anyone. To be honest I stumble through this life like a fool punching at shadows on a dark night.
When I look at my life I ain’t worth much at all. If I had to put a monetary value on my life it wouldn’t be enough to buy a maccas meal, let alone go to a fancy restaurant. Should look for my worth? Is it so simple?
I once had dreams of doing great things. When I was a kid I remember not being able to make up my mind of what I wanted to do as a job. Would I be a police officer or an ambulance officer? I ended up being neither. I wanted to change the world. After having seen all the violence that was directed towards women, when I was growing up, I often thought wouldn’t it be great if I could do something to protect women. Again, I did nothing. A lot of people have goals while I have pipe dreams.
So after all my dreams what happened? The world keeps spinning and people keep hurting. Nothing’s changed and no-one’s been saved. I will never rally an army or say the words people will remember and quote. I don’t inspire. I don’t move mountains. I don’t help people to be better than they thought they could be.
Do you ever, like me, ask the question: So why am I here? It is a question that plagues me. It is like finding out the answer will unlock a door to understanding and happiness. I don’t know why it is even important but to me it is. I am getting to old to do anything great or noble or passionate.
I have no legacy to leave the world. I have no children to carry on the family name. I have no family. I never married. Love alluded me. Oh I do still harbour a hidden desire that I will one day be loved and that I can love but meh it probably won’t happen but it doesn’t stop it being a desire.
Life has been more of a passing parade than a party that I had an invitation to. The parade has moved on. The crowds have all gone. All that’s left is the rubbish to pick-up. One day I will be swept out with the rest of the trash. Gone. Forgotten. Without trace.
Death doesn’t sadden me. In fact it is something I long for. What saddens me right at this moment is that I have lived 54 years and some months, weeks, days and hours and have nothing to show for it. I don’t mean money since money has never interested me nor has it been a driving factor in my life. Sure I need it to keep a roof over my head to get food to eat. My driving factor was the one that scared me the most, people. I always wanted to help people. People are the most amazing, complex, infuriating, maddening, loving, beautiful thing God made. To see someone hurt, physically or emotionally and to do nothing is a crime. To live to accumulate wealth but not help others is arrogance.
To those I could have helped but didn’t, I am sorry.
To those I did try to help but got things wrong, I am sorry.
To those who were also beaten by bullies and I didn’t come to your aid because of my own fear, I am sorry.
To those I went to school with who also had parent’s torture you and I didn’t ask you to stay at my place, I am sorry.
To those who were also lied and gossiped about and I didn’t stop it, I am sorry.
To those who needed me and I wasn’t there, I am sorry.
I will try and get it right the next time. I know that doesn’t help you or what happened in your past but I am sorry.
The problem is that life is a one way road. We cannot go back. We can not undo. We cannot change what has happened. I wish I could go back and help stopped what hurt you. Stop the bruising of your heart and soul. To put a band-aid on the boo boo of emotional scarring. I am a nothing and a nobody but I wish I could have supported you when you needed it most. Your life was and is worth so much more than I was able to give.
I hope your heart has healed and that life has been good.